timshel

I passed the better part of last week being generally angry, but with the long weekend came resolutions.  And this week, so far, my plans have been twisting and turning, but I´m content.

The latest issue of the Luciérnaga came out last Tuesday, and as I assisted in sorting the pages and assembling each magazine, I grew increasingly more horrified as I realized that the only three or four photos of mine that had been published were generic group shots, and were so dark and pixelated that the faces couldn´t even be made out in some of them.  I began to wonder why they´re not using me as much as they did at the beginning.  My second month here, they used my photo for the cover, and every month they have been calling me in to shoot the photos for the Historias de Vida column.  This month they didn´t.  Furthermore, the idea that I proposed for my own personal project has been used for the past three months as the cover photo, only shot by other photographers.  And I proposed it three months ago.  And all of this after I extended my stay here by 3 more months until the end of November.  If I´m only going to be used to take head-on group photos that my Grandma Ethel and her Nikon Coolpix can take, then I´m wasting my time here as I lose jobs elsewhere.  Especially when those photos are being published without any retouching whatsoever.

But I kept my cool.  I didn´t yell at anyone, though I wanted to yell at everyone.

I realized this weekend, that I´m not the same person I was when I arrived on the doorstep of the Luciérnaga.  I´m not as nice as I used to be.  I don´t know how to explain it, I just feel it.  I say no to people now, and I hate excuses.  But even more, I hate complaining, if for nothing other than its uselessness. Like advice, it´s a giver´s present.  Nobody else wants to receive it, but having shared it, the giver feels at least a bit of relief.

And to complain about the Luciérnaga and their recent treatment of my photos, likewise, is useless.  They´re a business, and their business is to sell magazines, not to make young journalists feel good about themselves. If there´s one thing I´ve learned as I cut my teeth in the world of photojournalism, it´s that you get out of something what you put into it.  And it´s true that these photos are garbage, but they´re the photos that they wanted, and it´s my job to realize them to the best of my ability.  These photos weren´t realized to the best of my ability, so I have to pay.  And complaining about it only makes me look like the over-privelaged gringa that I am.  And if they´re not going to give me the opportunities that I´m wanting, then it´s my responsibility to find them on my own.

Rilke writes,  "If your everyday life seems poor, don't blame it; blame yourself..."  

I remember a photo shoot that I did with my favorite ex-neighbor and dear friend, where a happy accident turned into a pretty nice portrait.  So yesterday, as I was hanging out at the Luci, I asked a couple of the guys if they would let me play around.  This is what came of it.

Gonzalo

Franko 

Mario

Jose 

Victor

These are some of the only photos that I´m reasonably happy with.  What´s different?  I´m using my flash a lot more - I´m a lot more comfortable with it.  I´m still having some shadow issues, but I think I´ve figured out how to control it better.  I shot these with my 85mm at about F-2, F-2.2, 200 iso, and 1/250s, and my flash about -1.