This story is an example of a "canillita" (magazine vendor) affected by the first kind of poverty according to Oscar, and what he´s doing to overcome it.
I am Emanuel Vargas
This is another life story of a magazine seller. The talk begins when Emanuel says that he would like to begin telling readers to buy the Luciernaga because we sell it to support our families.
How did you begin to sell the magazine?
In my case, I sell it to support my mom, Viviana, and my three brothers. Rodrigo is 19, Guillermo is 17, and Santiago is 8. I'm 23.
My mom is the head of the household, and although sometimes she sews curtains outside, she doesn't have a steady income. I'm the bread-winner. None of my brothers work, although Rodrigo receives a pension for disability.
What kind of disability does he have?
He's missing a foot. He lost it in an accident trying to save a friend's life. When Rodrigo was 13, he and his friends played by climbing onto train cars, until one day, one of them fell just as the train was beginning to move. It was going to run over him, but my brother put his foot against the track, reached for him, and was able to pull him out, but he wasn't able to get his foot out, and the train wheel rolled over it. Only a nub was left. At first he was really depressed and embarassed - shut in all day, and he dropped out of school. But as time passed, he became used to it until they gave him a prosthesis. Today he can do everything: run, play soccer, and even ride a bike.
Did he return to his studies?
He studied to be a barber, and he's already beginning to practice. He cuts my mom's hair and some friends' and neighbors' hair. Soon he's going to cut hair here in the Luciernaga every Friday. I know he's going to be great.
And what are your other brothers going to do?
I don't know what to say about Guillermo, he's dropped out of school now. But Santiago is going to finish primary school, and later secondary - even though he's obligated to.
Obligated by whom?
By me.
So are you filling the role of father to your brothers?
I don't like to see it like that, I think it's my obligation as the oldest to take care of my family.
But to provide the income, the food, and ensure that the youngest finishes school seems like what a father does for his sons.
It could be. I don't really have a choice.
Why?
Because my father doesn't live with us. I asked him myself to leave. He was fighting too much with my mom, a lot of violence - that's how I grew up. Between all sorts of yelling, threats, insults, and he even raised his hand at my mom. Of course it's not nice that your dad isn't home, but one can't live in a house that isn't peaceful. And now, the truth is that we're peaceful, so everything else comes easier. I don't have to run from the house to the street anymore because I can't stand my life inside there. Today, when I work, for the first time I look forward to going home.
Are you still fighting with your father?
No, I'm a bit angry, but at the same time I love him because he's my dad. And I still see him. But I also did this for my mom and brothers. Everyone needed to live in peace, but no one knew how to confront my dad about it. My mom and my brothers backed me up when I asked him because they were relieved by it. To not have anymore fights, we're all tighter at home. I don't want my youngest brother to have the life that the older ones had. He deserves something else, and now that I can see to it, I'm going to do everything possible so that he lives a different way.
And are you able to make up for the money that your father was providing to survive?
I've worked since i was 14, and at 16 I came to the Luciernaga. Since then, the economic support of my house was my father and I. Now it's just me, I can't mess up.
How is that?
Because it wouldn't help my family if I go to jail, because they would die of hunger. When one is a trouble-maker, he doesn't care about the value of work, so he mixes work and messing around. Sometimes he works, sometimes he gets high, sometimes he steals. Either way, it ends badly. Luckily I can see things differently now.
Have you been to jail?
A few times, but for misdemeanors. Never more than 20 days. Never for a sentence. Never in the penitentiary. But being in jail makes you notice things.
How does someone reason that it´s okay to give up his freedom?
Uff! He rationalizes it a thousand ways. If he's high, he feels like Superman; nothing affects him, he doesn't notice anything, and he becomes very aggressive. The worst that there are for them are the psychotropes, "la pepas." But you also have those that rob, although they don't want to, but they are desperate because they realize that they are not going to have anything to bring home, though they have tried honestly. And even more so, they are conscious of the risks that they run, but the desperation is stronger than the fear of losing one's freedom, and the person can snatch a purse or a cell phone and take off running, scared to death that he could cross a policeman or a fool, but none of that is as bad as watching his family be hungry. That life is bullshit.
At first you talked about drugs. What role do they play in the desperation that drives some to do things that they are later going to regret?
Drugs are garbage. Thank God I've almost completely gotten away from them. Now I only have a little left to go. But I can't quit it all at once. Sometimes I smoke a joint, but I've already left behind the cocaine and the pills. One becomes a slave, and he can´t think about anything other than buying and using; entire years can pass like this.
And don´t think that people use drugs just to cover any suffering that they have. A lot of times people use them because they´re stupid, to be part of the group. And later he buys, and without noticing it, he´s already in deep, and if you don´t have balls, you don´t get out.
Balls for what?
To confront abstinence. It´s hell, but you have to get through it. If you don´t have balls, you won´t get past it. And those that don´t have balls aren´t able to say no to someone who invites them to use either. I´m even saying if you are at a party and kind of drunk and you see that some who are drinking start to use [cocaine] to continue drinking. You have to have a lot of balls to not join them, and to have even more balls to say "this is the last drink."
You have to have balls to notice that you can´t continue making your dealer richer while you´re making your family poorer, because even more, using is expensive.
Did something specific happen to make you feel this way?
My mom tried to get me to recover a thousand times, but I didn´t pay attention to what she was saying. I tried treatments, but they gave me pills that made me nauseous all day. You could say they were drugging me so that I wouldn´t get high, but to me it was the same thing, and I ended up quitting those treatments because it didn´t work. I didn´t see the reason.
Another time I quit for like, four months, everything at once, and I didn´t use anymore. But the problems at home, in the street, or those of my friends got me in the corner and I started to use. Until one day, I don´t know how, I realized that covering up problems doesn´t mean that you get rid of them, and another day, when you wake up, those problems follow you, waiting next to your bed.
Yiyo, a fellow magazine seller, says that you have to be really brave to confront drug problems, that drugs are for cowards. And he´s totally right.
You´re getting therapy. Does it help?
Yes, my psychologist is Vanni. And it helps me a lot, in every way. For my family, for drugs, for my work. Therapy is something that has been good for me - how did I not go before! My mom always told me to do therapy, but I didn´t want to see a therapist because I said that I wasn´t crazy. But I was going crazy! I should have listened to my mom years ago, but oh well, better late than never. I never miss it, every Wednesday, I´m here.
What are your goals for this year?
A lot of things, but my priority is to finish getting off of the drugs. I´m almost there, but I have to finish killing this problem. When its totally healthy, I´m going to be able to improve everything that I want to do for my family, for my dad, to be a better magazine vendor, and who knows, maybe to have my own family, a wife and kid.
Don´t you think that getting better isn´t rushed, that you´ve always lived as an adult before your time and that maybe the moment is arriving for you to live the age that you really are?
Maybe. We´ll see in therapy. (smiles)
Nevertheless, when you have a wife and child, it seems to me that you´re going to be careful that it´s a peaceful home.
Of course! I don´t accept that anyone abuses a woman. I can´t watch them get hit or be disrespected. I don´t allow it. My future family is going to live peacefully. Nobody´s going to ever hit the kids, not even yell.
